Below is a list of 25 golden rules for the foreign expert uninitiated.

The mind-numbing danwei hazing, no doubt, will begin soon during your new Chinese government job. But if you follow these rules, you at least have a slim chance of fighting catatonia.

Mind you, these are not tips to advance your career prospects or win admiration from your colleagues. They are things to do to keep relatively sane when occupying no more than eight hours a day at the heart of socialism.

Based on my direct experience working for the Chinese government and loosely on the experience of friends and colleagues who’ve done the same Mao-kowtow, it’s safe to posit the following rules:

1. You will always be the last to know. If up to this point you have always prided yourself on being the first to know, you had better take drastic reversal-type action. Smoke the ash end. Wear your underwear outside of your pants. You’ll be amazed by how easy it is to be your unself on the government job.

2. Make a sworn enemy. Thinking of new ways to vex this person will take up large swaths of time that could have been spent less usefully.

3. There are no consequences for tardiness. As long as you don’t mind being labeled as mentally disturbed by your Chinese colleagues in secret, you could arrive at 3 p.m. and leave early.

4. If your superior casually remarks that there’s really no point in you showing up Mondays or Fridays, keep quiet. Don’t inquire about whether this could be actual policy in your new contract. Do take the hint.

5. Don’t be a missionary. Idealistic goals like converting the horrible product into a better one aren’t suitable here. If you try, you will come close to being burned at the stake as a foreign devil. Instead, introduce new problems into the mix and enjoy the rare recognition you will receive.

6. Keep all thoughts of Gatorade out of your mind. While this is sold in China, you won’t find it or any other drinks with ease at the canteen. You’ll be offered an apple instead, so act like a cactus and collect moisture.

7. Figure out how to use the squat toilet on a day you don’t have to go. Home is too far away to run when you feel the urge, and squatting is more complicated that it sounds.

8. Enjoy the oddities. Like the cigarette pile in the basement computer room corner that is like a living, growing organism except is never dies. Consider writing a book about your experiences but don’t because you’re really not talented enough. Consider starting a blog instead.

9. Use Facebook, Yahoo! Messenger and other online distractions to fill every working minute possible. All of this will be more productive than whatever you’re doing.

10. Modify your self doubts. Instead of asking, “Why am I here?” ask instead, “Why are we [all humans] here?” Stare at a page of Chinese characters for too long in lieu of getting high.

11. Don’t wonder how this job will advance your career. It won’t. You have made the poor career choice already. Make the best of it. Review rule #8 and #10.

12. Buy your own trash can. You may not have one and trash will collect on your desk to the point that you effectively demote yourself and become less sanitary than a dirty backpacker.

13. The H.R. woman is a snake. Don’t believe her forked tongue about anything, whether it’s an initial salary offer or a visa resolution. Hire your own visa consultant, and don’t believe him either. Trust only after verifying that you have your visa and RMB in hand.

14. Accept that you are not a cog in the wheel, but a tack that the wheel has accidentally rolled over.

15. Drink often. If you don’t smoke, start. Hit rock bottom now because we all have to do it, and this is your opportunity to get hit by a truck and still look competent.

16. Catch a taxi to work even when walking a couple blocks is faster. This is a unique opportunity to be and feel bourgeois when your Chinese colleagues are bicycling an hour in the cold polluted streets to and from work. Before asking the Lord for forgiveness for your sinfully callous thoughts, realize that you’re just “exploring your boundaries” and where the hell could you go to confession anyway? Smile.

17. Keep in mind that you came for the experience. Remember, losers and pre-teens are the ones who talk about getting more experienced while winners are the ones making money and regret most of their experiences. Consider yourself blessed by ignorance.

18. Don’t think of asking for a raise. Even if you got 10 percent – make that an unthinkable 100 percent – you’ll still be working for a Western pittance. Remember, you came for the experience.

19. Don’t be ashamed of being a loser. Most of us are. Think of it as a chance for bonding with humanity. Or you’re insistent on being the glass half-empty type, feel free to hate your parents more for encouraging you to get that liberal arts degree.

20. Don’t be insulted by your French colleagues. Yes, they are more well-read and witty than you, but they’ve also been at this job longer considering they’ve spent all their time trying to be even more witty and well-read instead of realizing they should have quit this crummy job long ago and get a life.

21. Quit your job.

22. Call your parents to tell them life sucks (hint that it’s their fault). They will appreciate the rare long-distance call and you will feel better too.

23. Do not succumb to rare passion of the Chinese bosses to keep you, despite your obvious failings.

24. When you do eventually succumb for three additional weeks for no apparent reason because you’re new at this Chinese negotiation stuff, make the worst of it. Enjoy this as a rare opportunity to be an on-the-job quitter. If you still want to do something, become the office candy gatekeeper and play favorites. Remember that you really only like yourself.

25. If you still insist on praying, pray that the sun isn’t shining the day you walk out the door for good so that you can avoid any semblance of optimism. Working for the man sucks, always. The dreamier your new job seems, the more bruising your fall from career grace will be. Look back, and blow that H.R. snake a kiss.

    Channel: Local Wisdom     |