You’ve heard of Tales from the Crypt.

Tales from the crib are a lot scarier if you don’t have one yourself in China.

You might have caught a glimpse of some rockstar pads on MTV Cribs. Serious envy might have entered your mind.

But when your close Chinese friend’s formerly cheap and ugly apartment just went up 100 percent in value in a few years time, you’re more than envious. You’re not quite yet scared stupid.

But you are stupid scared.

Now, you don’t have to be scared of being stupid anymore.

Alex Jiang, principal of Shanghai-based law firm Allen & John, lays out the rules of buying property in China in layman’s terms in the latest issue of China Economic Review. So at least if you don’t buy property in China, you’re making an informed decision not to. And being informed is half the stupid battle.

If you’re still half idiot - which you are since you don’t have China property yet (or at least not enough) - you can still understand how to buy property now, thanks to Alex’s words of wisdom:

1) If ya buy it as an individuul, ya gotta live in it. In nuther wurds, you’re one person. You being one human (occupying one body with two eyes, a nose and a genitalia) can bye one apartment fur personal use. And god damnit, you better had up an lived there! Cus the rulez say you cain’t own property where ur not registered (got some kind a paperwork crap) to live.

2) If ya buy it as an institutiun, ya gotta work in it. Institutiun don’t mean prison here. It means company. Dag nabit I just shoulda said company to prevent confusion in your dumb ass. Anywayz, bye your apartment in the city where your branch or rep office is located. Just do ya gosh durn idiot.

3) There is ways around these two rulez. You being stupid probably up and got married at some point. Well you may be as good as cursed, but listen here. Your wife, she’s another person with a different body, a different eyes, and a different kind of genitalia (at least ya hope so). She’s a different human, which means she can buy a nuther apartment. Congratulations stupidstar. Now maybe she can go live in it. As for the institutiun investor who want to buy property but is havin some truble with rule number 2, you might be able to share ownership with a Chinese partner. Just remember, that’s like gitting married, and we ain’t gotta remind ya how stupid that was.

4) Ya had better had studied or worked here at least a year. We know you ain’t studied. But hopefully you had a job cleaning up some chickin coup. Ya had got to show the right paperwork to prove this.

5) Ya had better hope to god you got plenty of money lyin around. Cause getting it any other way than rollin over on it right next to you is gonna be tough and put you in a piss poor mood. First, ya gotta pay with a local bank account. Hopefully your momma taught you how to open up one of these. Now if you want to transfer money from your overseas bank account to the China bank account, you liable for some tax. You know what tax is right? It’s basically as nasty as those words your momma was screamin when you waz born. Forget about gittin a loan. Did your daddy ever give you one? Then what makes you think some man in China whose only thing in common with you is your penis is gonna give you one? You know he’s got bigger balls than you too. Your best hope of a loan – other than kneeling in front of some sour ass French red wine and praying to Jesus to turn it either back into something pleasant like water or in your case money – is gittin a loan through a local branch of your overseas bank. Good luc.

6) Ya had better love signing paper. Cause theres gonna be a lot of it, whether your buying or selling your home. What, did you forget where the hell you were? Put your poindexter glasses on, look down, and push that fat belly out of the way. Ya see that? That there’s China soil, which grows China people, and even more China vegetation, which means paper, and there’s a shit load more of that than 1.3 billion people. Also more than 1.3 billion people are the 2.5 billion eyes (assuming 0.1 billion are those one-eyed types). Anyways, there’s gonna be a lot of watching when your signing all of your paperwork, so get used to it. You can start by unzippin your fly. That’ll teach ya.

    Channel: Vital News     |