Osama bin Laden has been pursued doggedly in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and well – that’s just about it.

He won’t come out of hiding from impenetrable tribal areas for obvious reasons – the U.S. is hell bent on killing him. It’s not difficult to wage war in the tribal, dry hill areas of Pakistan, where Osama is currently believed to be hiding. Rather, the region is alienated from the rest of Pakistan’s civil and legal structures. Coordinated cooperation to hunt Osama is nearly futile.

Newsweek, however, now reveals how close a group of U.S. special forces came to unearthing Osama back in 2001 at Tora Bora, Afghanistan. The lead Delta Force member says he had information to Osama’s whereabouts, accurate to within 10 meters. A firefight ensued, and although Osama escaped, he is believed to have suffered bomb shrapnel wounds in the shoulder, but lived, crossing into Pakistan shortly thereafter.

Pakistan, meanwhile, shares little in common with China – other than a border.

Pakistan’s languages include Punjabi, Sindhi, Pashtu, Urdu, Balochi, Hindko, Brahui, Burushaski and English. China’s include none of those, except maybe the distant English cousin Chinglish. Pakistan is 95 percent Muslim. China is officially atheist, though monetary idolatry has a large following. Pakistan grows a lot of opium. China makes chemical precursors for the manufacture of drugs – and rumor has it, the triads are starting to complain about melamine toxicity.

But China does have one very important value in common with the tribal hills of Pakistan. Apparently, both places are open for Osama’s business.

In an exclusive bizCult investigation – known only to the highest website organizational authorities – we found that should Osama choose to cross the Pakistan border into China, he would be well received – at least by the people themselves.

Ironically, on Thursday, October 30, otherwise known as Mischief Night – the night before Halloween when traditionally preteens and teenagers take to the streets to play pranks – bizCult undertook this most serious of investigations.

Donning an Osama mask, bizCult researcher Kim Nguyen set out in the Beijing neighborhood of Fu Li Cheng – literally translated as rich, powerful community – to see how not only how China’s common man, but it’s elite politburo-like people, would respond to this prince of darkness. The results were astonishing.

There was neither capture nor killing. There was no heckling. There wasn’t even a sense of unease as Osama walked into the local 711 to purchase some stockings for the following evening’s female pirate getup. Even a pseudo Ronald Reagan would have had clerks freaking out stateside.

No, the Chinese people welcomed Osama with open arms. Children accepted candy from him. Passing joyriders videotaped him amid smiles. Jubilant security guards posed with him, then went back to their overpaid dollar-an-hour posts. No calls went out for backup.

Osama rounded the block. He made his way into a grocery store, where he could have been apprehended more easily than in a spider hole.

Some were, in fact, scared. One man recoiled as Osama approached, screaming the likes of “boo.” According to at least one eyewitness account, though, no one peed their pants.

Most notably, the Chinese citizen behaves as aggressively toward Osama as a Peking Duck would.

In fact, the Chinese man behaves less aggressively than such cooked delicacy.

Kim Nguyen has lived at her Fu Li Cheng address since last year. Sometimes, she forgets her keys and must enter a code to talk with security, under heavy observation by cameras, to re-enter her home. Normally, Ms. Nguyen is barraged with questions, which she must answer satisfactorily for the locked door to open. The Sphinx is said to have been a more lenient interrogator.

Oh, silent night it was as Osama approached the cameras – the whole world seemingly suffocated in suspense. He entered the code to speak with security.

Not a word – not even the sound of the intercom clicking on and off – ensued. The door immediately buzzed open, and Osama drifted in as gently as the wind.

    Channel: What's Spicy     |